FLCL: Dumb As You Are
by Calico Yorki
Summary: It's a story...That doesn't center on Naota. He's close to the center, but he won't even show up for a long time! A novel idea. Very similar to FLCL's style, but also very different. A casual read. The second chapter is up - An improvement, to me.
1. Chapter One: Meeting

_Vmmmmm._

...

_Vmmmmm._

...

_Vmmmmm._

"Okay, I've had about as much as I can take."

Twitching, Haruko looked up. She had been sitting on a couch, deep thought about...Something, and had been occasionally strumming the double-necked guitar/bass from Earth. However, at the sharp statement from nearby, she looked up.

Sitting across from her in a gigantic desk was a man with short, messy, light gray hair, wearing glasses, a dark red sweater, and black gloves. He had a huge scar going diagonally across his face, from his right temple down past his jaw, and his perpetually angry eyes had prominent bags underneath them. Glaring at Haruko, he took a long draw on his cigarette. Blowing the heavy wisps out the corner of his mouth and away from his guest, the man spoke.

In an irritated voice; "Haruko Haruhara, Haruha Raharu, or whatever it is at this current time, I can't keep up with it...I called you here to chat, but you walk in looking like someone shot your new puppy and just play that same note over and over again. I thought I'd do some paperwork until you'd cheered up." He sneered; "I finished signing all four documents, in triplicate, _ten minutes ago._ _You're_ supposed to be the happy one, _I'm_ supposed to be the angry one, and together, we make _everyone else_ the sad one." The man sighed.

Breathing in some more health complications from the cancerstick, the man spoke in a decidedly softer tone; "You were ecstatic when you got back from Earth - For two days. For the past three weeks, you've been far too quiet. I miss the guitar solo wake up calls, quite frankly." He slid his glasses farther up his nose; "Would you happen to...Miss someone?" As Haruko looked down, the man gave a small smile...

Shuffling through the papers on his desk, the man said, "Hmmm...I _had_ heard of one thing...I didn't tell you because I'd thought you wouldn't want to get back to thinking of a boring planet like Earth. However...I think you'd be the best one to handle it. You miss the kid, and you seem to have a way with people when you're not having a bitch-out like with the whole Atomsk thing...

"When we found her, we wanted to wait until Mike O. or D4C could handle it. Then again, when I consider this, misery loves company." Finding the proper paper, his smile widened; to her chagrin, but just as much to her excitement, Haruko had an idea of what this plan was. The man at the desk continued. "Maybe if you can put _your_ half a brain together with her brain, dishevelled by the trials of high school drama and all that crap as hers may be, you two can figure out the proper approach to things...I have experience with this stuff, as do many of our agents, but I've posted a bulletin that anyone who gives you advice will be cleaning out my aquarium." He gestured over towards the wall. Pouting, Haruko looked over...Yup. Cleaning out the tank of giant, carnivorous sea beasts was just the kind of punishment her superior would cook up.

Though she didn't have much problem with the whole thing, Haruko glared hatefully at the scarred man as he inhaled on his cigarette. The response he gave sent smoke curling upwards: "Ahahahaha. Quite, quite - I'm so mean to my sweet adorable little sugarplum honey darling Haruko-neechan, aren't I?" He leaned back, gazing at the paper in his hand with a glazed look in the eye. "I'd thought you'd have heard of the Downer girl we found on that raid...Don't worry. Still had her clothes on, and didn't show any interactional signs of _that_. I hereby assign you to protect her until we can sortie a crew to get her back home. Oh, you'll be helping with that too. By the way..." His eyes suddenly snapped completely in focus, pupils narrowed into slits.

He said in a low, snarling voice, "If you go after Atomsk for _any_ reason without telling anybody, and have me worried _sick_ like that _ever_ again, not knowing if the natives of the planet are doing awful things to you, not knowing whether Atomsk even gives you a chance to do anything before hurting you...If you make me go through that all over again and force me to look like a _goddamned mother hen_ in front of God and everyone at this base_, you will be my errand girl for so long you'd choose "Mon-chan" over my sick, disgusting mistreatment of assistants._" He noticed Haruko pointing lazily at his right hand...

"Oyabun," she began. "Really...Though I'm truly happy to hear you _do_ care about me, _and_ I'm excited to hear what kind of shenanigans have been going on based on the 'mother hen' statement...It's a bit too early in the story for that kind of impassioned statement. Your name hasn't even been introduced." - "True, true, all excellent points you've made." - "...But you've also got to control your temper for your own health, and for those around you. We all _try_ to keep from winding you up so much, but you've got to make some steps in reducing your stress as well. I think you need some hot sex sometime. Not from _me_, of course, but I think not getting the estrogen-fuelled fire that I so happen to know you used to feel quite often _could_ a big part of your problem. Seriously, look at your hand before you hurt yourself." Haruko nodded. The man blinked, finally looking at his right hand where he had been holding his cigarette...

"Well, Haruko...Shit. I do believe we can agree that this little meeting had here just goes to show everyone's capacity for good and bad choices alike."

Nodding contemplatively, he calmed the deep vermillion sparks in his hand. Rolling his chair around on its wheels, he proceeded to drop the faint cinders left from his incinerated cigarette into the trashcan. Typing in a number on a small box atop his desk, he said contemplatively, "We're really dumping a lot onto the readers, showing much but explaining little..." Abruptly, the hologram of a woman's face rose from the box.

Faint beeps could be heard...The man said calmly, "Yes. On the authority of I, Commander Cid, Agent J-3000269, responding to 'Haruko Haruhara' and 'Haruha Raharu', has been given custody of the girl recovered from the raid on Baouda." There were a few more beeps, earning a nod from 'Cid', before the hologram disappeared.

Cid smiled to Haruko..."Congratulations. You are hereby the ward of one Samejima Mamimi."


	2. Chapter Two: Mamimi

As Haruko walked into the room, she realized that it would have been better to make a plan.

The room was totally dark, with clothes from the drawers strewn all over the floor. Sitting in the middle of her bed, legs pulled up, chin rested on her knees, was a familiar face; looking even sadder than usual.

Sighing, Haruko approached; "Hey, Samejiii! How's it goin'?" Though she didn't get a reply, Haruko remained nonplussed. She plopped down on the bed next to Mamimi, saying brightly, "Well, at least ya got to have a vacation, huh?" However, as she looked closer, Haruko noticed some things that she hadn't before...

Mamimi's eyes were slightly bloodshot, and they had an absolutely defeated look...The Commander had been right. Whatever had happened to her, Mamimi hadn't been raped..._But this isn't much better_, she mused. Haruko really didn't want to do this, but she felt like she owed this girl _some_thing...Haruko was the only one here who knew her, and had an idea of what was really wrong. As much as she dreaded it...She could relate.

"C'mon," Haruko said softly; "I have some curry back at my room...Let's eat there." She got up, but Mamimi didn't make any sign she'd follow. Haruko sighed. "Look," she said, grabbing Mamimi's arm; "You can decide to come back here and squat in the dark like a troll if you want, but right now, we're gonna eat. _Yeah?_" Mamimi looked up, expecting to see an angry face...

...However, Haruko's smile slightly surprised her. Giving a small nod, Mamimi got to her feet. Straightening out the dark red skirt with blue stripes she had been given, Mamimi followed after Haruko - Cautious, but admittedly eager to talk with somebody she recognized.

...

**BWOOF!**

"GWAAAAAH!"

Back on Earth, Kamon scrabbled back - A sizeable flame had burst from the pot, faintly singing his eyebrows, hair, and even beard. Shigekuni looked up from his newspaper, his typical disgruntled expression on his face; the expression of an old man who has been repeatedly disappointed in his son.

Shigekuni said tiredly, "What the hell are you doing? Can't you wait for the robot to get back and fix your curry? He'll be back in a few minutes." He tried to go back to his newspaper, but Kamon misinterpreted his statement as meaning he wanted a conversation.

"Well, you see Father," he said while scratching the back of his head embarrassingly; "I thought that I haven't been making myself of much use to Naota-kun, or anybody, really. Is it so wrong for a failure of a father like myself to just want to make his own father and his son proud in some way? Can you really find me at fault for that?" Shigekuni looked back up.

He said in a softer voice, "No, son, I really couldn't find you at fault for that...Except that I know that can't be your only reason, and I happened to find that magazine article you clipped and saved. The one on how girls are impressed by a man who knows how to take care of household work." He nodded as Kamon's face went white as a sheet; "I can't blame you for that, either. Except that you'll have to fix more things with yourself to get any woman. You poor, dumb, ugly thing you." Shigekuni unfolded his newspaper again, with a rustle of finality.

Suddenly, Kamon twitched, holding a rapid internal monologue; _No, it can't be...I can't believe my daily struggles would be used in such a way! The universe is so cruel - For my trials and tribulations as a father seeking redemption to be turned into ammunition for...For...!_ Suddenly, the camera zoomed out over Mabase, then over Japan, then over planet Earth, before...!

**"I'VE BEEN USED FOR A NON-SEQUITUUURRRRR!"**

...

"There you go!"

With that, Haruko set down a bowl for both Mamimi and herself; plain rice, with a generous helping of dark red-orange curry on both. Haruko took up her spoon and quicky tucked in. Mamimi herself, while not wanting to show it too much, was indeed hungry. So, she simply ate slowly - With plenty of restraint to make up for Haruko's blinding insophistication.

When they had both eaten their fill, Haruko took the plates over to what looked like a sink. However, as she left them there, several robotic limbs were produced and began cleaning the bowls thoroughly. Yanking Mamimi out of her chair, Haruko threw her down onto a couch. There, she sat down next to the girl herself, smiling.

The pinkhaired woman asked cheerfully, "Care to let me know exactly what happened? I've never seen a person from Earth out here...I'm interested." She leaned in, listening intently...It took a while for a response, but Mamimi finally spoke up.

"I had gone to a park to practice my photography," she said quietly. "I stayed there until it got dark...I had some really good pictures, and I'm glad my camera didn't get taken...But out of nowhere, I got hit on the back of the head." Mamimi gave a sniff, but continued. "When I woke up, it was dark...And they'd put this big shackle on my ankle. I couldn't see them, but I _could_ tell they weren't human...They never came over to me, but I still felt really scared. Then, one day...A bunch of people with guns busted in and shot all of the guys there without killing them.

"They found me, and took the shackle off...And then, they brought me here. I've been here for a little over a week, I think..." With that, she fell silent again. Haruko nodded, a smirk on her face...Mamimi didn't look up, but could tell she wouldn't be getting any consolations.

Finally, Haruko spoke up; "Well, it's been decided that _I'll_ be taking care of you for the time being; so we'll have to learn to get along with each other." She turned towards the auburn-haired girl. "Now, you might not agree...But can I borrow your camera?" She frowned as Mamimi slightly pulled her arms in, gazing down; she hadn't expected _that_ kind of reaction...

Haruko smiled softly, placing a hand on Mamimi's shoulder. "Hey, I can do some mean things...Some _really_ mean things, I'll admit. It's a big part of what makes me so popular, really. But I promise, I won't break your camera. I just wanna look at the pictures on it, and I have a good way to do that. But only with your permission. Okay...?" She squeezed Mamimi's shoulder gently, trying to show that she meant what she said..._I wouldn't have thought my tactics on Earth would cause this kind of problem,_ she mulled to herself.

Mamimi eventually gave a silent agreement. Reaching into a satchel - Also given to her upon arriving at the base - She pulled out a small, silver camera. Though she felt cautious, Mamimi offered it to Haruko. With a surprisingly gentle way of doing it, Haruko took the camera and carried it over to a small box mounted on the wall.

Opening the box's front panel, Haruko gently placed the camera inside. Some kind of gel poured in, conforming to the camera's sides. Haruko closed the box and went back to the couch. Picking up a remote and pressing a button, she smiled at Mamimi's obvious surprise as a large screen popped out of the wall before them; "We have a lot of nice toys around here, huh?"

After a bit of loading, the first picture came up; an upward shot of the sunlight shining through the trees. Sitting together in silence, Haruko and Mamimi watched the pictures with content. A lone, incredibly beautiful flower in a wide patch of dirt...A shiny red, abandoned dog's collar hanging from a low branch...A couple of squirrels frolicking, taken just at the right time to catch one in mid-leap and the other dashing out to the side...

Several minutes later, the pictures finally finished. Haruko looked to Mamimi, about to comment on the pictures - ...But closed her mouth silently. Mamimi had fallen asleep, head laid against Haruko's shoulder. _I guess she hasn't been getting enough sleep, _Haruko thought irritably. Looking back down at the girl laying against her, though, Haruko couldn't stay mad...Carefully wrapping her arm around Mamimi's shoulders, she decided to do some thinking...

_If I have to do a report, this could be important..._Haruko turned the short interaction the two had had over and over again, thinking of how to put it...Finally, an idea came to her. With a smile, Haruko laid her head back against the couch. _Samejima Mamimi is a bit shook up, but I think she's coming to terms with the situation. I myself am finding her company a bit pleasant, and I think we'll get along fine. _A catsmile of faint deviousness unfurled across her face.

_Perrrfect._


	3. Chapter Three: Rescue Me

"Alright, I'm glad you two agreed to this."

Mamimi and Haruko were sat on the couch before Commander Cid's desk, sitting with a bit of space before each other. He had two papers on his desk, out of view from Haruko and Mamimi; however, Cid seemed to be very interested in them. Cid lifted a cigarette, dangling it in front of himself; he said to Mamimi, "I bet _you_ could use one of these, hmmm...?" He scowled at Mamimi's twitch - "A girl as young and pretty as you shouldn't ruin things down the road with smoking. I'm half dead anyway and my head's full of scrap parts and smoke.

"_You_ have people who care about you, despite how you might mope about. Nobody's gonna miss a stiff corpse like me." He took a long draw, before blowing a few rings of smoke up into the air..."A stiff, dried-up, irritable corpse..." Cid's eyes started to glaze over. Mamimi had a concerned look in her eye as the scarred, bespectacled man continued staring at the ceiling.

Haruko smiled at Mamimi; "Don't worry, Sameji; Oyabun just gets like this sometimes. He'll snap out of it soon." She crossed her right leg over her left, digging her pinky into her ear. Indeed, although it took a while, Cid eventually looked back at Haruko and Mamimi.

"Right then," he said nonchalantly. "Either of you have something you'd like to say before I present the first argument?" Watching as both shook their heads, Cid continued. "Mamimi's argument is up first...'Haruko is far too focused on having things out of her grasp, and needs to learn how to appreciate things and people around her. She causes mayhem and makes people who care about her, like Naota, worry when she could easily keep it from happening.'" He coughed. Haruko glared forward, dark tendrils of pure malice starting to curl around her.

Pointing at Cid, Mamimi said quietly, "Ummm...Cid-san...I don't exactly remember what was first on my list, but I know it wasn't that..." At this, Haruko bared her teeth, pupils shrinking. Cid looked over the paper at them.

He gave a vapid smile. "Ahahahaha. Yes, it's an awful thing when your mind begins to wander at old age. I'm so sorry, Mimi-neechan, I'll get right to your list." Cid expertly rolled his chair to the side, dodging a shoe thrown at him. "I really need to learn not to leave ammo lying about...Right then. The _actual_ first thing on Mamimi's list, and the only thing: 'Haruko doesn't care for the emotions of others, either manipulating their feelings or just ignoring them. She doesn't connect with other people, and is only focused on getting what she wants. No matter what she has to do, who gets hurt, how many people get hurt, she just doesn't care.'" Cid looked up.

"I think that's definitive, and though it's not my place, I entirely agree," he said. "Haruko, what do you think?" He leaned in. Haruko's brow furrowed, an ugly sneer on her face. Meanwhile, Mamimi's expression was totally blank, as she stared down at her hands with that same empty look in her eyes.

Haruko finally said, "So what? It's not like anyone on Earth is gonna miss me. Naota'd get over me real quick." She uncrossed her legs before recrossing them the opposite way. It looked like that would be that, before a soft declaration arose from Mamimi.

"...He may not fret over it every day...But I'm sure you'd make Naota very happy just to have you visit once in a while." Looking over with a slightly surprised expression, Haruko listened to what Mamimi had to say. "You made his life exciting...Thanks to you, he was able to grow up." But then, with that same empty tone..."Me...I kept him from growing up...Nothing I do helps anyone...That's why...I..." Though Haruko tried to stop Mamimi from saying it, she just couldn't speak in time.

"...I don't want to go back. I _can't_ go back. All I'd do would make Naota sad."

Though what Mamimi said made Haruko's heart twist painfully, what really hurt was how she said it...Haruko hadn't been able to pin one word to Mamimi before, but now, though she felt sick to admit it, one word was burned into her mind: _Defeated_. What Mamimi felt like, and what was true, to an extent, was that no matter what she did...She'd never win.

Meanwhile, Cid folded his papers on his desk and remained silent; now wasn't the time for a procedure. He just had to let Haruko and Mamimi help each other naturally..._Or at least, hope that they can help each other,_ he thought to himself. Breathing a puff of smoke out of the corner of his mouth, he let the situation unfold.

Indeed, before too long, Haruko gently slid across the couch to sit next to Mamimi. The auburn haired girl didn't look up, staring down at her hands as she twiddled her thumbs with painfully slow motions. Haruko said to her, "Ummm...You...You don't really mean that, do you?" She expected Mamimi to look up, but all she got was silence. Haruko continued; "I mean...You don't make Naota sad. You just need to...Well...I get a feeling you used him to replace his big brother." Haruko bit her lip as Mamimi froze, no longer moving her thumbs.

Deciding there was no stopping now, Haruko continued. "You don't make Naota sad...And you'd better not start thinking he hates you. Or that _I _hate you, either, because _both_ of us like you!" At this, Mamimi finally turned her face upwards; towards Haruko. Now, Haruko gave her a confident smile; "We've both gone about things the wrong way...But we can both make up for it, right?"

Mamimi nodded, the corners of her mouth starting to rise into a slight smile...Haruko said brightly, "We don't need to be all lovey-dovey! Naota needs us, but not as girlfriends - I can help you learn how to become self-reliant, and you can help me learn how to become more conscious of others! We're a team now, you hear me, Sameji?" Mamimi nodded, her smile starting to grow.

"Yeah, Haru-san...Mmm..." She hiccupped, starting to rub at her eyes - Haruko grabbed at Mamimi's shoulders, but was surprised by how happy Mamimi sounded. "Haruko...You're...You're really making me feel like I can be a good friend to Naota..."

Haruko closed her eyes, hugging Mamimi to her chest - "Sameji, if my words have that kind of effect for you, _I'll just keep talking._"

Meanwhile, Cid was watching with a bit of astonishment...He blew a puff of smoke out, although this time, it was black; as well, his cigarette had been put out a while ago. Sparks crackled ever-so faintly in his mouth as he spoke. "I never thought I'd see the day...Haruko has friends, and she's _willing_ to work together with someone else. I'm...Happy...But...I...I don't know what I'm supposed to do with all of this happiness. Servos three, six, nine, and twelve haven't been this active in years...I want to hug somebody, but the two of them are connecting..." Cid suddenly propped his feet up against the edge of his desk.

Pushing himself away, his chair rolled across the floor for a bit - _Thump. _"Hmmm." - But abruptly, his chair fell over backwards, leaving him to stare up at the ceiling. "...Still happy. A good day for all, I suppose. If we were in the actual anime, I think this is where something by _the pillows _would start playing in the background." He remained staring up at the ceiling.

Haruko gently rubbed Mamimi's head, as Mamimi held Haruko tightly in a hug.


End file.
